Why you should sort out your intimacy issues now

The coronavirus is unearthing intimacy issues that hitherto have been kept under wraps in families.

With partners staying at home most of the day and being forced to be indoors from 7pm due to the ongoing curfew, its time of reckoning if you have been evading intimacy!

There is adequate time for love making; you are not working for most of the day so you are not expected to give excuses of being tired. There is definite pressure to perform.

This fact downed on me at the beginning of this week. The Sexology clinic has continued to attend to patients while putting in place all precautions to prevent the spread of the virus.

This is important because Covid-19 has not eliminated the other medical problems that afflict people each day, and so the health sector is expected to continue providing other health services.

On Monday morning the clinic opened at the usual time of 8am. At that time there was already a man, Gideon, waiting to be attended to.

“As soon as the curfew was pronounced I knew I would be in trouble,” Gideon said. “I had nowhere to hide and no excuse to give.”

NOT INTERESTED

For some time, Gideon, a 51-year-old businessman married for the last 15 years, had been avoiding sex.

Trouble started when he went flat, lost an erection and had to abandon the act halfway. It was a traumatising experience and he developed fear of sex.

Any time he thought of it he panicked; he dreaded failing again and so kept off. He developed tricks to avoid the bedroom.

Many days he came home late when his wife was already asleep. Sometimes he watched TV till late in the night.

Occasionally, he feigned illness. These tricks kept him going and as such he had not had sex for six months.

But coronavirus came and closed all doors for his tricks. He had to face the problem head-on and came to the clinic for help.

But Gideon’s case was not as bad as Elizabeth’s. Elizabeth also came for services this week. She was a 35-year-old teacher married for seven years.

She had lost interest in sex. She avoided it and had not had sex for close to a year.

VIOLENCE RIFE

Initially, Isaac did not seem to realise that he lived in a sexless marriage because he was too busy doing field work for his research projects.

The projects have, however, had to stop due to coronavirus. The couple is now spending time together and Isaac is demanding for sex.

“When I refused to yield to his demands he got annoyed and slapped me,” Elizabeth explained. “He accused me of infidelity and said I took advantage of his busy schedule to sleep out with other men.”

Elizabeth’s case is something that is currently being experienced in many parts of the world. There have been increasing cases of gender-based violence since lockdowns were effected.

Couples seem to have enough time on their hands to concentrate on their relationships and many tend to discover problems that they have not noticed before.

Conflict and disharmony are common, especially as the mental effects of social isolation take root.

TIME TO RECONNECT

Under ideal circumstances, having time with your spouse should not be causing nightmares. Is it not time to spend quality time talking and listening to each other?

In many relationships, communication is a big problem because couples meet in the house when tired after a long day.

Many people are in bad moods at such times and communication is never constructive. The corona situation gives opportunity to reconnect and resolve all communication problems you have had so that intimacy is recreated.

Communication aside, hurried intimacy is common place in these hard socio-economic times. Because of busy schedules couples are never relaxed in bed.

Sex has become a conjugal duty rather than a pleasurable experience for couples. In many marriages foreplay is rarely practiced.

Why not have a relaxed intimate time this time round now that you have a lot of time on your hands? Take advantage of the time available to improve the quality of your sexual relationship.

SEEK HELP

Finally, it is time to give attention to the sexual problems you have had. Be it erectile dysfunction like in Gideon’s case, loss of sex desire like in Elizabeth’s case, premature ejaculation, sexual pain, lack of orgasm, name it; you need to seek medical help.

Avoiding sex or playing tricks with your spouse will not help. If, on the other hand, you notice that your partner is having sexual problems, this is the time to help them get professional help.

Do not mete out violence to them. It is illegal and inhuman to beat someone you love.