Stop judging women by their sex lives

What – or who – a woman does in her bedroom is, quite frankly, a limited and most boring aspect of her entire life. PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • I didn’t stop to think about the fact that without them, that path would have been impassable.
  • I simply looked at their dirty clothes and blood shot eyes and judged them – the same way we judge people we interact with every day.

There’s a stretch of filth in the Nairobi CBD, in an alley between Moi Avenue and Tom Mboya Street, tight behind MKU Towers. When it rains, three or four street boys collect cartons and spread them on the filth so that passers by do not muddy their feet.

In return, they expect a coin or two. I have passed there a number of times. The first time I did, I would not give them any money.

“They’re just going to use it to sniff some illicit substance anyway,” I told myself.

I didn’t stop to think about the fact that without them, that path would have been impassable. I simply looked at their dirty clothes and blood shot eyes and judged them – the same way we judge people we interact with every day.

This is very much like how women are still judged by their sex lives. Slut, frigid, cold… we seem to have a label regardless of the choices that a woman makes.

I was attending an interactive literary session several nights ago when, right in the middle of a very interesting intellectual discussion, the conversation shifted to who woman A, a local media personality, is sleeping with.

I have heard a woman’s hard work and achievements being trashed because there is a rumour that she has been intimate with a man who is regarded as less than worthy. Interestingly, it is almost always other women doing the judging.

HUGE STRIDES?

One would imagine that with the huge strides we have made with regard to gender equality, a woman will not be judged by her sexual choices. But no. Sadly, when it comes to skillfulness and efficiency, we are still judging women by the men they bed. We are still indulging in hypocrisy and perpetuating double standards.

Unless a woman is involved with a man to get career favours or to close business deals, it should not matter who she chooses to get involved with romantically. What we miss when we start judging is that this part of a woman’s life is not even the most interesting thing about her.

When it comes to sexual choices, no one standard choice is the right one. Some women are monogamous, others aren’t. Some are serial monogamists, dating only one man at a time but somehow leaving a trail of them with broken hearts in her wake. Others are prudes, choosing to discuss that subject only in the confines of their bedrooms. It’s never a ‘one size fits all’ situation. The sexual choices that work for one woman will likely not work for the next. When it comes to partners, there is never a correct number.

Let’s get off our high horses. The next time you meet a confident, successful or even bossy woman, resist that urge to dig into her personal life. Bite that comment about who she has slept with. Think of all the exciting and important aspects of her that you could be missing as you focus on things that do no matter.