'What self-love means to me'

It is said that women take care of everyone else at the expense of themselves. However, some women have had to intentionally schedule time for some much needed self-care.

CAROLINE MWAKIO, 31, CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

“In all our annual conferences, the older mentors always talk about learning how to balance work and life; that’s how important it is in our field because we take on a lot of emotional baggage from people. They tell us to make the time. The time doesn’t just happen. So I create a schedule. I tell myself that from 5-6am, I am going for a run. When I’m on call in my off time, I only respond to emergencies (in accordance to WHO guidelines). Of course I cannot ignore life-threatening situations because I am doing self-care.

“Another part of self-care in my industry is practicing boundaries and standard operating procedures. For example I was in session with a prisoner and I noticed their handcuffs were off because they were eating. In such a case, SOP stipulates that I can request for a guard to be present for my own security. Dealing with unstable people, we’ve been trained to take care of ourselves.  But if you are tired, you let your guard down. When I am fatigued I can ask for time out.

“Part of self-care for us psychologists is actually therapy, so I have to see mine every month.

The more I take care of myself the less I need others to validate me. I am also in a position to take care of others. Self-care is anything that builds my self-esteem. It connects me to the world as opposed to pulling me away from it. In my down time I meditate. I pray. I listen to music. I dance in my house. I backpack and do extreme sport. Today I have scheduled a run. This month the weather has been good for swimming. When I am too stressed my blood pressure goes up. So I have to check it every four weeks. Routine health check-up is also part of self-care.

“I also garden; this Valentine’s Day, instead of chopping off roses, I planted them. Watching plants grow makes me feel that I have contributed to the universe. I am hoping to join a conservation to rescue some rare species of trees, birds and butterflies are only found in Taita Taveta.”

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PATRICIA KIWANUKA, 40M MANAGING DIRECTOR AND FINANCIAL COACH

“My idea of self-love and self-care is doing things that make me happy and comfortable being in my skin. This state comes and goes. Finding balance calls for self-awareness. There will be times when I feel overweight, or that my hair doesn’t look right, or that I haven’t made it in life and could do better. I have to intentionally remind myself that everything is okay; I actively try to think positively about my life and myself. As far as my relationship with my body goes, I exercise and I diet. Then I take a break. Then I add weight. Then I look for another form of exercise - I go from Zumba to running to something new. It’s turning out to be part of my experiment in life. But instead of getting frustrated, the shift has been to enjoy whatever form of exercise I am involved in as a new experience. 

“I am currently studying psychology and therefore have to go for counseling. One of the assignments is that every morning I look in the mirror and say ‘I love you’. At times I don’t believe it but I still do it. For one negative thing I think about I’ll find two or three others that I really like. I am also no longer relying on men to tell me I look good. I work in a male dominated industry. With time they start seeing you as their contemporary, so if you are waiting for someone to tell you look good, its’ not going to happen.

“I always advise people to pay themselves first. Every month do so by going to a new spa and getting nails done, have a massage, get a facial, and enjoy conversations that have nothing to do with my work. Earlier in my career, I made the mistake of feeling like I need to say yes to everything so as not let people down. But work never ends. Now, I have created boundaries by not working after 6pm unless I have an appointment. The last thing is taking holidays; for me it is usually as easy as going to my mother’s house in Embu and allowing someone else to take care of me.”

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LINDA GAKURU, 40, MARKETING MANAGER

“In the past months, self-care has largely involved putting work on the back-burner. I got an unexpected pregnancy – as in I was in the delivery room and I still couldn’t believe I was pregnant! Then at the same time we were having some financial issues so I delivered in that hospital that has been in the news for traumatising new mothers; all I will say is that it was hard being there for nine days. Then this was my third Caesarean so it took a while for the scar to heal. Then on top of that I got an infection on the C-section wound and I developed endometriosis.  A lot of this probably had to do with giving birth later in life (I just turned 40 and my son is two).

“Six months after delivery I had to go back to work. I was a marketing manager and the job was really demanding. My children hardly saw me. Then my mum came back to the country after living abroad for 15 years and I was feeling the need to reconnect with her. Between all that, I was constantly fatigued. I was getting to a point where I was wondering whether this is it for the rest of my life. Maybe it’s a mid-life crisis. Do women go through that? I talked to my hubby and he suggested I just take a break for a few months.

“So for me self-care has been about taking time to figure things out. And I think it came at an appropriate time when I have just turned 40.  I have a house help who is really good with the baby. I exercise. I take care of my garden. I have also made the decision to use social media intentionally – only for the freelance work I am doing – otherwise suing it consciously is draining.

“My biggest form of self-care routine my morning spiritual devotion. I read the Bible and talk to my Maker. With all of life’s demands, I have the awareness that I can’t save the world. I take one battle at a time and know it is okay that I didn’t win all of them. I am not in control of everything. Before I got pregnant I was health freak. Then after that, I got sick and I gained weight. Now, I exercise and try to eat right but I have to let go of wanting to be perfect.”

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LINDA GAKURU, 40, MARKETING MANAGER

“In the past months, self-care has largely involved putting work on the back-burner. I got an unexpected pregnancy – as in I was in the delivery room and I still couldn’t believe I was pregnant! Then at the same time we were having some financial issues so I delivered in that hospital that has been in the news for traumatising new mothers; all I will say is that it was hard being there for nine days. Then this was my third Caesarean so it took a while for the scar to heal. Then on top of that I got an infection on the C-section wound and I developed endometriosis.  A lot of this probably had to do with giving birth later in life (I just turned 40 and my son is two).

“Six months after delivery I had to go back to work. I was a marketing manager and the job was really demanding. My children hardly saw me. Then my mum came back to the country after living abroad for 15 years and I was feeling the need to reconnect with her. Between all that, I was constantly fatigued. I was getting to a point where I was wondering whether this is it for the rest of my life. Maybe it’s a mid-life crisis. Do women go through that? I talked to my hubby and he suggested I just take a break for a few months.

“So for me self-care has been about taking time to figure things out. And I think it came at an appropriate time when I have just turned 40.  I have a house help who is really good with the baby. I exercise. I take care of my garden. I have also made the decision to use social media intentionally – only for the freelance work I am doing – otherwise suing it consciously is draining.

“My biggest form of self-care routine my morning spiritual devotion. I read the Bible and talk to my Maker. With all of life’s demands, I have the awareness that I can’t save the world. I take one battle at a time and know it is okay that I didn’t win all of them. I am not in control of everything. Before I got pregnant I was health freak. Then after that, I got sick and I gained weight. Now, I exercise and try to eat right but I have to let go of wanting to be perfect.”

LIZ GELLER, 42, FARMER, VOICE-OVER ARTIST

“Recently, self-care is a key part of my daily practice. Growing up, we got to entertain some international guests in our home so we learnt how to look and carry ourselves impeccably at a very early age. I therefore have this innate sense of wanting to look good; not necessarily for others but for the fact that it makes me feel good about myself.

“Today, my self-care regime involves yoga three times a week and exercise at the gym two times a week. I also do laps in the pool after every workout session. Yoga grounds me and releases tension, allowing me to show up for life 100 per cent, and to do so as a decent human being. I exercise in the morning so as to clear the day for work; be it going to the studio to record or to the farm.

“I also meditate every evening. This is my quiet me-time. A couple of weeks ago my eight year old son started meditating with me. I don’t push him; sometimes he’s the one who will ask me to do it with him. This makes me feel good as a mother because I want him to be able to handle life’s situations (like insecurities, bullying) in a positive manner.

“I am family girl. My husband and I have been together for 12 years. My parents have been together for 44 years, his parents for 52 years. So we both come from solid family backgrounds and that is what I want to emulate. My husband has a very stressful job and I find fulfillment in him looking forward to coming home. Helping him meditate regularly also helps him manage his workload. Meditation is actually a new family pastime as we gradually realize how essential it is to family life. All these would not be possible if I didn’t make a very conscious effort in my self-improvement.

“I know a lot of women feel that if they take some time out for themselves then it would make them bad mothers or wives, but it’s the other way round. If I don’t take time to calm my mind then I will not be present for them. So I schedule me-time the same way I schedule my son’s dental appointments – as one of those things that just have to be done.

“I am also learning to say no if I am not up for something. For example, when it’s this hot my allergies flare up and I get migraines. A few days ago I wanted to go for this meeting but I had a sever migraine. I don’t feel guilty about having missed it. I was sick. It’s just what it is. I am a much better person when I take care of Liz first.”