OFF MY CHEST: Why I dread dating as a single mum

Like many other single mothers, the greatest challenge is finances and the countless questions from the children. ILLUSTRATION| IGAH

What you need to know:

  • There is no man in their house.
  • To be honest, what pains me the most is the imagination that my children are sometimes envious of other people’s fathers.
  • And so, this got me thinking; maybe it is time I started dating.

I have been a single mom for almost eight years now and I guess, like many other single mothers the greatest challenge is finances and the countless questions from the children.

Just last week, my eight year old whom I was pregnant for when I left, asked me:

“Mum, supposing I have a father right now, what will you call him? Will he be your brother? Will he be like any other father in the estate?”

Of course this question got me thinking hard.

My older child knows what a father is, although the memories he has of him are mostly about how violent and abusive he was.

But this other younger child knows nothing about a father.

From the questions, he does not know anything at all. He has seen other children hanging out with their fathers, he has seen fathers queuing in hospital pews with their children.

He has silently observed children talk about their fathers. But he does not know one.

NO MAN

There is no man in their house.

To be honest, what pains me the most is the imagination that my children are sometimes envious of other people’s fathers.

And so, this got me thinking; maybe it is time I started dating.

You see, since the father of my kids and I parted, I have dreaded relationships.

I dread my children’s reaction to me dating. I fear they will judge me, and so, I have had dates with men without them meeting my children or appearing at my house.

Most of the times though, these were just men who wanted to take advantage of me. They wanted sex only and not the responsibility of a relationship.

The closest I have come to a serious man is a widower I once dated. This one wanted us to get married after four months.

He was still hurting after losing his wife. He wanted someone to be the mother of his two children. But I was in no hurry.

I wanted someone who loves me for who I was, and not someone who needed me for convenience. I did not feel this particular man was genuinely in love with me.

ACCEPTANCE

Of course, my inboxes are full of ‘interested’ men. But how many of them are going to date me without making me feel like he is doing me a favour?

How many of them will accept the children and treat them like their own?

I have contemplated a serious relationship several times. I have become too lonely several times and I have wondered about my children's future.

So now, my eldest son is heading to Form One in a boarding school and I plan to send my other child to a boarding school next year too.

Maybe it is time I gave me a chance to date once more.

Because I cannot continue being this lonely for the rest of my life. It is killing me. We all need some TLC. No?