KITOTO: Will I find a good woman to marry? I’m yet to meet one

Hi,

Thank you Kitoto for the excellent job you do to help us in our various situations. I am one of you fans. I am a 28-year-old graduate, and currently a small scale entrepreneur. I wish to share with you my dilemma. I have a challenge of sustaining relationships with members of the opposite sex (women). I think the longest relationship that I have had lasted only two months.

I admit that I have very poor communication skills. These women would love me to be communicating with them every day, but I just don’t know what we would be talking about. When I don’t know what to discuss, I sex chat them. I have also discovered that most of these women that I meet, either online or offline are married. What I don’t like about them is their habit of begging for money. When I call them out for such habits, they say I hate women.

Sir, I wish to marry a woman of my dreams, since I am no longer getting younger. Do I have a real problem? What can I do to attract a truly good woman who can make a good wife? I am looking forward to hearing your strategic response.

Hi

Thank you for being a regular reader. This column is committed to providing space for sharing issues like the one you have raised or success stories that others can learn from. Relationships may be complicated for several reasons, including accommodating differences that exist between men and women, how they perceive issues, their upbringing, associations and many more. It is, therefore, important for spouses to be willing to know what they are not willing to give up.

As much as one would want to agree with you that the world is short of good women, others would argue the opposite. I believe that what the world of relationships needs are values that help give support to it. Such values are encapsulated in the word love. Beyond feelings, love must be patient, long suffering, kind, persevering, and should not keep a record of wrongs. Such values are not self-centred and are not just about you. They think and treat others better than self.

This is where you need to define what your dreams are. While at it, do remember that there is no angel outside there waiting for you. It is all about what is trivial and needs to change versus what we are not willing to change or compromise. In addition, in your communication, go for substance. It is important for you to know that marriage needs a healthy foundation, if sex is to bring pleasure. When you meet a woman, seek to determine what areas you have in common. Merger areas like in beliefs, finances, types of mannerisms that can be tolerated, communication, conflict management, and common vision on the future is what matters.

Is this man using me just for sex?

Dear Kitoto

I am 30 years old and I met this man who is five years older than me. I fell in love with him, thinking that he was equally in love with me. After dating for a few months we became intimate. I am now not very happy about us being intimate because this seems to be what our relationship is all about. He comes to visit my house whenever he feels like. What do I do?

Hi

“I thought he was in love with me” are words from many mouths of failed relationships. It has become almost like an excuse when things fail to go right. This begs the question — why are we so easily deceived?

It takes two to grow a healthy committed relationship. This becomes possible when two people lay down selfishness and embrace sacrifice. When we allow selfishness to take the lead, the result will be pain and disappointment.

I am sorry things have not gone the way you expected. However, being sexually intimate is not all there is to a relationship. Sadly, it appears to be the goal of many who seek to enter a relationship. Your dream for a healthy and enjoyable relationship was overtaken by desire to fulfil that sexual desire instead of building your relationship first. In cases where we do not guard ourselves from such desires, we leave the door open for others to exploit and take full advantage.

I am of the opinion that; he is not to blame for all that happened. The indifference you feel now is connected to deep guilt or frustration you have. However, as far as he is concerned, he can appear as many times in your life because the door is still open.

What you need to ask yourself is: What makes you feel that he may not be in love with you? What were your expectations? Are you still intimate whenever he visits?

I am convinced that, the key to living life with the right conviction about things is to share what those convictions are with him and make a decision on the future of your relationship.

If your convictions about marriage are going in the opposite direction, then go your separate ways. For you, my question is, “what brings you happiness?”

I can assure you that currently, that pursuit of happiness is being done the wrong way. I suggest that, first, get rid of your fears and seek what is best for yourself. Second, do not allow yourself to act out of desperation. This man is not adding value to your life until your convictions are clear. Third, if you want to stay with him, it is a personal choice you have to make. Should this be the case, I would advise that you both do some homework on the kind of future you want. Fourth, listen to your emotional state; it is your barometer in discerning what is going on.

If in the months of being together you are doubtful of where his commitment is, then you need to act. As you talk, you may discover that what your perspective and his concerning about this relationship has a lot of issues that need to be sorted out. You need to know from him without reservation where you stand in his life.

WAYS OF KEEPING YOUR DREAMS ALIVE

Clearly defining your dream marriage helps you know what you are willing to give and lose to make it happen. Keep in mind, no one ever married an angel. We all have shortcomings and weakness that must be handled well as a couple matures their love.

My personal belief is that; any man can marry any woman. What matters is whether their common or merger areas do not compromise their core values, but instead help sustain the marriage.

When you cast a broad net in the initial stages of dating, you are most likely to be able to avoid ending up with an arrogant, deceptive or a manipulative partner from the many single people available out there. Interrogate your choices wisely and patiently without allowing selfishness to get the best of you.

The future success of any marriage is pegged on the selection process. Since marriage is the clock that makes everything else tick, the person you marry has a direct correlation with the level of growth and performance of your marriage.

The most happily married couples tend to be those who, regardless of what they think they want in a relationship, use relational intelligence to help them get the spouse with great personality traits that enables their marriage to not only last, but also to thrive.

Successful and lasting marriages happen when spouses give their all to make it work. Spouses should not just sit and wait for things to happen. It is the consistent steps of trust, faithfulness, patience, faith, and compassion that slowly provide the environment necessary for growth.