HEART ADVICE: My boyfriend doesn’t want a test run before marriage

I have dated my boyfriend for a year and we have decided that we will get married before the end of 2017. I love him very much and I’m looking forward to being his wife and the mother of his children, but my problem is that we have never made love. We make out, but we never go all the way because he refuses to have sex with me and says that we should wait until after marriage to have sex for the first time. I believe in doing test runs before sealing the deal, so that I can know what I am getting into, so his refusal to make love has me worried that maybe there is something wrong with him sexually, and I don’t want to find out after I have made a commitment to be his wife. What can I do to get him into bed right now? I really don’t want to wait for our honeymoon and probably discover that he is not good in bed.

READERS’ ADVICE

Your man is okay. Not every man wants to jump into bed. I know men who are like him, but be sure that he really wants to marry you, because he might have someone else in mind. I also hope that you are not trying to trap him with a pregnancy, because if he senses that is what you are trying to do, it could be his reason for insisting on abstinence. Give him time and see if he will come around. Duncan Royal Class

Discuss this with your boyfriend in depth until he reveals why he doesn’t want to make love. His reasons could be genuine – maybe he wants to abstain for religious or cultural reasons – but he has to lay them on the table for discussion. This issue has to be dealt with before you tie the knot. Juma Felix

If I were you, I’d also suspect that there was something wrong with him. I believe in trying things first because practice makes perfect. Don’t rush into something that you will regret later. Vivian Aluse

EXPERT ADVICE

Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

I totally understand your predicament and unfortunately this situation can become a problem in marriage once couples find out that they are not compatible sexually. The one thing you can’t do is force an already set and focused mind to change without stirring up what could end up being a bitter exchange of words primarily from the man, once his ego has been bruised. However, keeping quiet and hoping for the best is not the best option. You must bite the bullet and ask him why he insists on having sex after you wed. In some quarters, his school of thought would be called romantic but I suspect a sexual problem which explains why you have gone for a full year without him initiating sex, which for men is extremely rare. You need to discuss your worries before you end up in a position of regret.

Next week’s dilemma: My boyfriend and I live with his younger sister, who is a college student, but we don’t get along. The other day during an argument, she told me to pack my bags and leave because nobody in the family likes me and they prefer his ex-girlfriend and childhood friend. That statement really hurt me because my man and I have been having difficulties because of his close ties with the said ex whom he insists is just a really close friend. Whenever I tell him  to handle his troublesome sister, he says that I should leave her alone because she is still young and foolish or that he will let us women deal with our issues. We have been living together for two years and we are in our late twenties. What can I do to keep his sister in her place once and for all, and how can I know if my boyfriend still has a thing for his ex?