WIFESPEAK: Marriage is meant to make you better not bitter

Marriage is one of those things that you must experience in order to fully grasp the lessons. . PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • If you are a little more narcissistic than the average person, then marriage will make you a bitter person.
  • You see, only your spouse will tell you the blunt truth about you.
  • They will likely tell you this when they are on gear six of anger level, in the middle of a heated exchange.
  • Do you have feedback on this article? Please email: [email protected]

Marriage is one of those things that you must experience in order to fully grasp the lessons. It is like childbirth, even a midwife who has helped deliver hundreds of babies cannot fully explain the experience until she herself lies on that delivery bed. Or the feeling of the soft drizzle of rain drops on your face, how can anyone else learn from your experience if they do not live it?

Some years ago before I got married, we were out with Wamz, one of my close girlfriends. She was on her seventh year of marriage. I asked her how that was going. With a distant look, sounding very philosophical and wise, she said:

“Marriage makes you a better person."

“Really? How so?” I asked.

She took a deep sign, looked at me;

“It’s…so real…how do I explain?” she signed again, scrunched up her face, ran her hands over her eyes and said;

“You know…I don’t know how to explain it.”

That statement stayed with me. A decade or so later, I am happy to philosophically say the same thing, maybe with a little variation; marriage makes you a better or bitter person.

If you are a little more narcissistic than the average person, then marriage will make you a bitter person. You see, only your spouse will tell you the blunt truth about you. They will likely tell you this when they are on gear six of anger level, in the middle of a heated exchange.

PUNCH IN YOUR CHEST

“You are selfish!”

It will feel like a punch in your chest, because you will feel momentarily short of breath. Even our closest friends will not tell us those unpleasant things about ourselves. Maybe because they do not know us as well as our spouse does or maybe they lack the guts to do so. A spouse can wound the other deeply by their words. With goodwill however, a spouse is the only one that can truly tell you some truths about yourself that other people do not see or will not openly tell you. Talk about not wanting to tell the king of his nakedness.

A LIAR

Hubby once told me that I was a liar. That felt like a wasp sting, hurt like I can’t explain-because I am a good Christian girl- I do not lie.

If you take a road trip, there is bound to be an experience worth sharing. We had come from Isiolo and so when we next met up with our friends, we (or rather I seeing as I am more the storyteller) had an experience to share. Hubby did it in two seconds and I felt that was not sufficient enough to paint the picture of that experience. I took twenty seven minutes to tell the story, infusing in it emotions, descriptions and metaphors. By the end of the story, he looked at me like I was a stranger. I had exaggerated a bit, I mean, what does it hurt to make a story a little more interesting?

When I was done denying the unpleasant label, I wondered whether indeed this embellishments in a story and in other everyday conversations makes me a liar. I had never considered before that I needed to practice the use of facts and question assumptions before throwing statements about.

‘SELFISH AND UNFEELING’

I have called him selfish and unfeeling on many occasions. He may have denied this, but I realise he makes the attempt to be less self-absorbed.  Like the towel. He finally stopped using mine. Before I called him unfeeling, he would, eyes closed, grab whichever towel he could reach first, often mine, and leave it wet and heavy. I would hit the roof. Is there a worse feeling than to get out of a warm shower and be met with a wet, cold towel?

Marriage makes you a better person but first you must go through the fiery furnace of refinement. Like steel, one must go through that intense heat of weighing and accepting some truths delivered bluntly. One too must have the goodwill to point out flaws and be the catalyst that spurs a positive change in their spouse. And to stay open minded, have the courage to look in the mirror so that one does not turn bitter but a better human being.

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Karimi is a wife and mother who believes marriage is worth it. Do you have feedback on this article? Please email: [email protected]