In Summary
  • I will also tell you that for every mixed race child you see in Kenya, there is a 45.6 per cent chance the mother had heard a friend say, “Oh, pointies are cute.”
  • And there will be a 36.7 chance that it is the mother who visited joints that are frequented by men from the race she desired and choreographed her way into getting a mixed race child.

Dear Jijee,

Today I will be a professor of childbirth and give you hard figures. Haters will say my figures are made up. Well, I may have concocted them but as sure as this tiny beard of mine is a hotspot of wisdom, they will help you if you take them.

One, 68.9 per cent of all firstborns you see around are the reason their parents got married. Don’t ask me how I arrived at the figure, son. All I know is that there are so many cases that end with a sentence, “Because he impregnated her, let him marry her.” And with that, a family starts, “come we stay” or not.

Also, 42.3 per cent of all the firstborns in the world are the reason their parents signed up for a wedding at their church. Son, I don’t know how I arrived at the 42.3 but I know that most wedding plans start with, “Honey, I’m pregnant” that is followed by, “What will the church members say if they realise we did it before marriage?”

‘THE OOPS BABIES’

Dear son, 64.3 per cent of second and third and nth-borns were “oops” babies; those who show up as a result of failed contraception or just germinate out from nowhere. I have heard of cases where a mother with a six-month-old child discovered she was pregnant with another. I will not tell you how I arrived at that 64.3 per cent figure, but I will also put it that of those nth-borns who were oops “babies”, 100 per cent of them are alive because their parents decided to rise above societal ridicule and opted to keep the child.

Otherwise, 76.0 per cent of all “oops” conceptions end up in that famous clinic where they are aborted and forgotten like nothing ever happened. How damnable is it for a married person to terminate a pregnancy!

I will also tell you that for every mixed race child you see in Kenya, there is a 45.6 per cent chance the mother had heard a friend say, “Oh, pointies are cute.” And there will be a 36.7 chance that it is the mother who visited joints that are frequented by men from the race she desired and choreographed her way into getting a mixed race child. The woman is also 39.2 per cent likely to have logged on to one dating site or another in search of a Caucasian who is caring, stable and drugs and disease free — whatever that means.

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