WIFESPEAK: Let the man make the first move

Call me old school if you may, but I still believe that a man should make the first move in matters commitment.

Women are brilliant -- they can see the answer to a man’s problems.

We know that his chronic back pain will disappear if he can lead a more active lifestyle, for example taking those long romantic walks with us. We know his gastritis issues will be a thing of the past if he regularly joined us for our healthy dinners, instead of going out with the boys. And most importantly, we know that his grouchy mood and cloudy attitude will be a thing of the past if he faithfully stuck to our warm beds.

But despite all this brilliance, women still get into seriously dumb situations.

Take for example: Nyakio meets Njoroge, the chemistry is palpable. After a few months of dating, Nyakio feels that Njoroge needs a wife. Njoroge, on the other hand, has not figured this bit yet. In fact, it has not even occurred to him that they are dating.

While Nyakio has edited her contact and now renamed him hubby or bae, Njoroge’s phone listing for her remains Nyakio South C. By month four of this relationship, Nyakio has already moved her basic essentials into Njoroge’s house – toothbrush, towel, half of her inner wear, clothes and, strangely, a comb.

She is blind to the fact that Njoroge is careful not to leave even his threadbare socks behind when he visits her. So, she deliberately takes his jacket and keeps it in her closet. She makes a dozen other Delilah moves, including firing his cleaning lady and taking charge of his bachelor pad.

Meanwhile, she barely knows his surname. Then she becomes pregnant. This suddenly jolts him out of his stupor. He wants his space. He is not and was never ready for a serious relationship, leave alone a wife and baby; at least not in the near future, he says.

She screams murder but he feels caged in, manipulated into something bigger than he ever bargained for.

CHOICES

From this point, Njoroge finally takes charge of this situation. It can go a thousand different ways. If he was raised well, he might take responsibility and even hastily, albeit resentfully, arrange to officially make it known that he is now a husband. How that marriage will pan out will be the stuff that thrilling soap operas are made of.

As we all know, many times though, Njoroge will take off faster than our Nairobian hawker does when someone shouts: “Kanjo!”

And that is how women bring heartbreak into their lives.

There is a responsibility of taking lead in a romantic relationship that we should let the man handle. Period. Stop forcing him, stop manipulating him, and stop taking charge of his life. If he can’t manage his diet, morals and dishes, what makes you think that he can take care of a wife and children? If he cannot realise that he needs you in his life, who are you to help him in that revelation?

A responsible man will make his intentions clear and follow them with clear and definite actions, such as introducing you to his mother and setting a date to meet your father. He will also be careful about who moves into his space. And most definitely, he will be the one who makes the decision of when and who to ask for their hand in marriage.

When you pack and move in with Njoroge and start calling him your husband, soon enough you will be seeking help from social media. Rushing a man to make a marriage commitment to you only leads to heartbreak.

I cannot count the number of posts I have seen about girls claiming how they found out that their cheating ‘husband’ was married. Or that their ‘husband’ was last heard taking dowry to another girl’s home. Or that their ‘husband’ left her pregnant and was now planning a wedding with someone else.

I am not excusing irresponsible behaviour by men, but, as women, we have the unfortunate propensity to do what the Swahili call shida za kujiletea (looking for problems). We walk into a problem with our eyes wide open. We bring onto ourselves problems that we would have avoided.

When a man takes the courageous step – without prompting – and asks you to be his wife, he also steps up his game to be a responsible husband. That man will do whatever it takes to build his family and name. He will know that the buck stops with him, because he took the lead to step into the shoes of being husband. Let him.