JUST BRENDA: My hubby resents my daughter for excelling in school

Hello Brenda,

Before my husband and I got married, I had a child whose father had refused responsibility. My child was two years.

My husband promised to take care of me and my child. And he did very well. We had other children together.

Our first child (not my husband’s) is in high school. She is a bright student and gets awards for some extracurricular activities.

But our son is not as bright. And now my husband always finds fault in our daughter, which I realised was because the girl does well in school.

I love my husband and all our children and I want what’s best for everyone. I am thinking of her staying with my mother because I don’t want her hurt or feeling rejected, but uprooting her from home right now will also affect her.

She’s a teenager just learning about life. What do I do?

Frustrated and worried mother

Hi,

This is quite complex. I appreciate that your husband decided that he wanted and loved you both at the beginning, and now this is changing drastically.

This is quite unfortunate.

One, you can suggest extra training or tuition for your son, perhaps even done by his big sister so that they can bond and her stepfather can see that it is not a competition.

Two, I don't think moving your child away from your home is a good idea.

She will be missing out on her siblings and the activities you do together as a family, and that isn't fair for her. And I am sure she will sense that she is being bundled off for something or the other.

Perhaps if you bundle them all off together, and make sure she engages in those extra-curricular activities so that their time together is lessened – like church camps, plays, hanging out with her older cousins, sleepovers, etc.

At the end of the day, choose your daughter. Your husband's current pettiness shouldn't be a reason for her to suffer.

Hopefully he'll grow out of it and if he doesn't, she'll start to feel resentment. Finally, bring it up with him.

If you've noticed it, she probably has too. Pick your daughter. She's the child growing in this situation.

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