JUST BRENDA: Will my live-in boyfriend ever marry me?

Dear Brenda,

I am cohabiting with a man with whom I have a nine-month-old son. We have been together for three years.

I am getting bitter and disheartened that all my friends and his friends are getting married yet he has shown no signs of wanting to make our relationship official.

We have talked about it and his response is that we need to work on issues in our relationship first.

I feel unloved, unappreciated and depressed. Is this a petty reason to break up and move on with my son?

Will my son be affected negatively if I leave his father? Will I be able to find love again and make a family with my baby in tow?

A strong relationship and family are important life goals to me and I feel like I've ruined my shot at this.

Hi,

This is quite a difficult problem! Here is what I think would be best.

You've already been together for three years. At this point, it's clear that he is willing to live with you, just not marry you. I think it is time to force his hand – but not in that annoying, here is my ultimatum way.

Clearly you want more from the relationship than he is willing to give. So tell him that. He says the issues need to be worked on, but this is an issue for you too, no?

Feeling unloved, unappreciated and depressed doesn't sound like a mentally healthy place to be in constantly. Your son, as good as it is that you are worried about him, is also probably being affected by your mental state. Children can tell these things.

And yes – you will be able to find love again, baby and all. You are still a complete package, as you were before this man who appears to be terrible at making decisions. You have not ruined your chances, you just need to be clear and concise.

Ask him – do you want to get married? If not, let me go. If so, make it happen, at least get the ball rolling in terms of ceremony, ritual, engagement ring, something. There's no need of working on these relationship issues if this relationship isn't going to survive this particular issue.

Don't let fear hold you back from asking scary questions. You deserve better.

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