JUST BRENDA: Did I push my girlfriend to marry another man?

Some people know right away if they are going to marry someone, but clearly the feelings were one way.

What you need to know:

  • She told me that she was going to Dubai since her aunt was there and would help her secure a job.
  • I agreed since she had assured me she would come back and we would get married.
  • However that trip to Dubai was actually courtesy of man from Nigeria with whom they later had a wedding in Nigeria in October.

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Dear Brenda,
This is going to be somewhat long so apologies in advance. I got into a relationship last year in March and really loved this girl.

One day in mid April while at her place she just started speaking about details of how our wedding would be, I replied by telling her that it was too soon to start talking about such things and that we should date for some time -- maybe three years --- to get to know more about each another (we had never had a conversation about our future together let alone whether we would get married).

She did not reply my statement but just went silent. A couple of weeks later I asked her if she could move in with me but she said that she could not move into a man's house and that if I wanted her I had to get her officially from her parent's home (at this point I thought she meant going to pay for dowry).

I did not give a definite answer because I was not financially and psychologically ready for marriage. Despite this, our relationship did not suffer any misunderstandings or conflicts and everything seemed fine; we did a lot of things together and we were happy; we would check on each other frequently, talk and even sleep over at each other's place regularly.

This went on into May and everything seemed fine. One day she told me that she was going to Dubai since her aunt was there and would help her secure a job (she had been working in town but left her job at the beginning of the month). I agreed since she had assured me she would come back and we would get married so she left in June.

However, I later found out that the trip to Dubai was actually courtesy of man from Nigeria whom she married in October. What is eating me up is not the fact that she left but whether I am the one who pushed her away or is it that she did not really love me.

Dear Unsure Ulysses,

Your woman is, in short, a conniving type of person who was not in love with you – not in the way that you thought, anyway.

Let me tell you why I think this: 1) One month in is a bit soon to be talking about getting married. Granted, some people know right away if they are going to marry someone, but clearly the feelings were one way.

If you felt it was too soon, then you weren't ready, or sure about her. Call it instinct or self preservation, which clearly helped you in the end. It's the same way that some men come to women, and vice versa, saying that Jesus says they should get married.

Why didn't Jesus tell the other party as well? It makes no sense. Both parties should be at least a little ready to commit before forever is discussed.

2) There's another alternative where this woman probably wanted to settle down and it didn't matter with who - whether she loved you or not – particularly because she went on this trip with this Nigerian under false pretences.

Would you have changed your mind about being together if she had told you why she really wanted to go to Dubai? You are not at fault here, dear reader, and I hope you have learnt to read the warning signs for your next relationship.

If you are not ready, you are just not ready and no homebound threats or trips to Dubai will make it any different.