How can I tell whether my boyfriend cares about me?

Hi Pastor Kitoto

I will be 20 years next month. For the last six months, I’ve been dating a 25-year-old guy though we don’t get to see each other much. How do I know that I’m dating the right person? Does he care about me?

Hi,

I will respond to your question by asking questions of my own, but before I do, here is some insight.

When should I start dating? Generally, there is no set age, though one’s priorities as well as what you are looking for in a relationship will influence your desire to start dating.

How do I know that I’ve found the right person to date? You first need to be mentally, psychologically, and emotionally mature to start dating. You also need to be clear about the kind of companionship you seek. For example, is it a casual or emotionally attached relationship? Is your aim to date fun and sex? Do you seek a non-committal or committed relationship that will lead to marriage?

There are also pointers that you have met the love of your life.

1) There is convergence of your vision, values and beliefs concerning marriage.

2) The relational environment allows you to be yourself.

3) You handle challenges and conflict humanely and prioritise the concerns of the other person.

That said, you need to answer the following questions:

Is your boyfriend the kind of person you would want to grow old with? Do you feel affirmed and appreciated for who you are? Is your voice significant in the relationship and are your contributions valued?

SIX MONTHS

My concern is whether you know enough about this man given that you have only dated for six months and rarely see each other. My assumption is that he is the one that has no time for you. However, if you are the one that has no time for him, then perhaps you are not committed to this relationship. Remember that we value what we treasure, and when we treasure someone, we make time for this person.

How do I completely cut off the father of my two children from my life?

Hello Pastor Kitoto,
I’m 28, a mother of two. While at the university, l met my boyfriend, a businessman, and we had our first child. We agreed to settle down together, but soon after, he lost his business, and he became irresponsible and wouldn't even support us. Most the times he preferred quick money, so he would sign up for quick jobs such as selling household items, and when he couldn’t find a job, he would borrow. I even took loans to help him, but he was unable to pay me back.

Six months after I gave birth to our first child, we decided to part ways, but only for a short while, until we were financially stable. Around this time, I realised that I was pregnant with our second child. Efforts to help him find work failed because he would simply walk away from a job, saying, he was tired of it, or was unwilling to wait for pay until the end of the month.

We were still living apart, and he would send me as little as Sh200 or Sh300 a week or sometimes a month for our upkeep. It has been three years since we separated, and I’ve since got a job. Now he wants us to get back together, but I’m unwilling, too, because I fear that he is still irresponsible. I’ve asked him for child support, but he claims to have no money since he has gone back to school. He says that if he sends me money, then I should pay him back at the end of the month. Not only this, he is threatening to take my children, yet this is a person who doesn't know what his children eat or where they sleep.

I recently met someone that I’ve taken a liking to, and when I told him my story, he advised me to completely cut off my boyfriend from our lives. I’ve decided to block him from talking to them via phone, but I’m afraid that this will make him try to take them away. Also, how do l tell my ‘family that I’m ready to move on with life with another man without them seeing me as a bad person?

Hi,

It is common for one partner in a marriage to lose their job or for their business to go under, therefore it would not be fair to blame them for not having a job. From your email, it appears that the father of your children was responsible initially, and only became irresponsible when he lost his business. Could what you call ‘irresponsible behaviour’ have been the result of lack of a steady income? Perhaps this is why he tried out various odd jobs to make ends meet.

It is also obvious that the two of you have lots of unresolved baggage. If anything were to work between the two you, there will have to be some hard talk about the pending issues. He should not just want to return to you just because you now have a job.

Also, you cannot just abandon him just because he does not have a steady job. You also need to appreciate that even though he did not send you the kind of money you would have wanted for you and your children, he still sends some your way.

You say that you are ready to move on. However, you have two children together, and he wants to keep seeing them, even though you have been apart for three years. Is there no room for reconciliation?

Is it possible to overcome your problems with some help from a mentor or counsellor for the sake of your children? In spite of what this new man tells you, it would not be fair to block him from getting in touch with his children. After all, he can see them in a controlled environment.

And now that we are talking about this new man, you need to be careful not to subject yourself and your children through more pain. The fact is that you are still hurting from your first relationship and have lots of baggage, which you’re carrying into this second relationship.

You need to be true to yourself and define what is best for yourself and your children. You may just find that you are better off remaining a single parent than getting into a relationship with someone out of frustration.

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