OFF MY CHEST: It's been a year but I'm still trying to cope

It’s International Day of Friendship, and there is no other way I thought to celebrate it than to write to you. This is hoping that I will get the strength to get it to completion.

My dearest.

I miss you.

You know, it has not been easy; the whole one year, three months and six days since you left. I haven’t written to you in a long time. I texted you for some weeks after you left, and occasionally left comments under your Instagram photos.

I don’t know why, but maybe I was hopeful that telling you about what was going on in my life would bring you back. It did not, obviously. And all the unanswered messages just left me angry. I thought to myself that maybe you were just ignoring me. So I stopped altogether.

I now realise that I shouldn’t have. Writing helps me cope, and maybe it would have done so with your death, because my eyes are already filled with tears as I do this.

You see, one of my greatest fears is forgetting you. Forgetting your laugh. Forgetting all those memories I was lucky enough to have made with you.

I’m sincerely sorry for being busy those last few months. If only time waited until the Saturday after, when we were to finally hang out and catch up.

You were the first close friend I lost, and that broke me in many unexplainable ways. Then again, I now actually understand grief fully. I am really grateful I went through it with our other friends who love you dearly. It was reassuring to know that there were others who felt this loss with me.

And man, have we never stopped talking about you. We always have to tell people about this amazing girl we once knew. As I told you, it has never gotten easier. Not once; at least not for me.

Like most friendships, we had our ups and downs. And our downs were quite a number, ha ha. But then, our ups were the absolute best, and that’s how I will always choose to remember you.

I never got to tell you how much I cared. I never even got to tell or hug you goodbye on that fateful night. I’ll forever be grateful for you making that call and asking me to come. One thing that keeps me at peace, however, is seeing how happy you were then. I can’t even explain it.

A lot has happened since you left, but all that would be better mentioned to you in a different, and private, letter.

For now, thank you for all that you taught me, and all that you keep teaching me despite your departure. You have taught me love, patience, kindness, vulnerability, appreciation and empathy, to say the least. But most importantly, you reminded me, and honestly still remind me, to live life to its fullest; and that’s through seeking only that which truly makes me happy. You made me realise that life really is short, as cliché as it may sound.

Thank you for being a loyal friend and a partner-in-crime. For always being honest with me, no matter how brutal it got. For believing in me when I didn’t. For always listening to my rants and tirades. For always comforting me whenever I was out of it. For loving me even at my worst. For standing by me through it all.

Keep dancing with the angels.

You will forever live in my heart.

I love you M.

Always,

Karen.

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