SEXUAL HEALTH: How not to handle intimacy problems

Fighting, blaming, silent treatment and violence are not the way to handle bedroom issues – especially because most are easily resolved. PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • A common behaviour was to avoid situations that could have led to intimacy.
  • Some stopped going on holiday with their spouses because this would have forced them to be intimate.
  • Others found reasons to be away from home most of the time. Some avoided the bedroom at night.

It our tradition at the Sexology Clinic to audit medical files at the end of every year. This helps us extract lessons about better services to our clients to implement in the new year. We recently spent a good amount of time doing just that, and what hit us most is the consistency with which people deal with their sex problems in the wrong way. Be it loss of libido, painful sex, failure to orgasm, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction or the many other problems that brought them to us, the reaction to the problem was just wrong.

Almost all the patients reacted with anxiety, stress and confusion when a sex problem presented. Their immediate reaction was to avoid sex because of the attendant failure. Unfortunately, our bodies are wired to perpetuate a vicious cycle of failure, fear and failure if there is anxiety about sex.

As a result, people lost sleep. Lack of sleep led to fatigue. Fatigue in itself kills libido. Many affected people could not eat. They lost weight, health and vitality. Some found refuge in alcohol.

Their work performance was affected. They spent office hours ruminating on their bedroom failures. They could not think straight and made mistakes that their employers described as silly. Some people lost their jobs. The religious ones felt discouraged in their faith. They avoided their friends, who did not know what they were going through and therefore blamed them for antisocial behaviour.

WHEN THINGS GO AWRY

A common behaviour was to avoid situations that could have led to intimacy. Some stopped going on holiday with their spouses because this would have forced them to be intimate. Others found reasons to be away from home most of the time. Some avoided the bedroom at night.

Unfortunately, some people resorted to intimate partner violence, both physical and psychological. Insults, shouting at each other, belittling each other and making them feel useless were common place behaviours. Then there were those who resorted to extramarital affairs. Some wanted to confirm to themselves that they were not as bad a performer as their spouses had put it. It was their way of self-diagnosing. Unfortunately, in the process of this self-diagnosis, they would get emotionally involved in the extramarital affair, worsening matters in their marriages.

Then there were those people who would turn things around and blame their spouses for their sex failures. After some time being the punching bag, the unaffected partner would seek help in the clinic.

There were unfortunate occasions when the sex problems led to separation and divorce. In some cases, one partner was not ready to support the other through the problem. In other cases, the unwell partner simply refused to seek help.

This year, the Sexology Clinic hopes that couples make a resolution to communicate in a loving way when problems arise. We hope you learn to encourage and support rather than rebuke your partner when you feel dissatisfied. Remember that there are good and bad days and you can never be happy all the time with the love experience.

Secondly, do not kill your lover’s ego. Showing your spouse how hopeless they are can be dangerous for their confidence. The better option is to create opportunities to learn together and improve your love skills. Couple retreats, educational videos as well as books make a big difference in the way we handle these delicate matters.

Finally, do not suffer in silence. Seek professional help early. In most cases the problems people experience are quite temporary; many resolve without active treatment. Some just need counseling or coaching to resolve. Problems that are difficult to treat are rare but even then, there is always a way out of them. You can only understand the magnitude of your problem by talking to a professional.