What if he posts my nude photos?

For a man to use your nude pictures to demand certain favours is immoral and inhumane.

What you need to know:

  • He asked me to give him pictures of myself in the nude. I refused but he put so much pressure on me that I relented and sent him some since I love him.
  • After that he told me he had another girl who is in Form Three now and that I should be prepared to share him with another woman.
  • I refused and told him to choose one of us but he wouldn’t listen.
  • So I told him to leave me and marry the girl but he adamantly refused, saying he would post the pictures I had sent him on social media and hire a blogger to write “a sweet interesting story” about my character.

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]

Hello,
I am a Christian woman in a relationship with a Muslim man. He promised not to force me to convert to Islam but says our kids will be raised as Muslims and I agreed.

Last December he attended a traditional event which lasted a month, during which he said he couldn’t access any telephone network. When he came back, his mood seemed to have changed; we talk/chat less.

One day he asked me to give him pictures of myself in the nude. I refused but he put so much pressure on me that I relented and sent him some since I love him.

After that he told me he had another girl who is in Form Three now and that I should be prepared to share him with another woman. I refused and told him to choose one of us but he wouldn’t listen.

So I told him to leave me and marry the girl but he adamantly refused, saying he would post the pictures I had sent him on social media and hire a blogger to write “a sweet interesting story” about my character. “And there is no way I can be jailed or imprisoned since I am an IT expert,” he boasted.

I used to love him very much but I don’t love him anymore. Since I sent him the photos, I am really terrified about what might happen to me if I leave him.

I am still with him just because of them. He claims he can’t leave me because he loves me and I am the first girl he had sex with. Does he really love me? Please help. I am alive outwardly but dead inside.

Hi,
The fact that your boyfriend is a Muslim while you are a Christian does not in any way make this a Christian versus Muslim problem.

First, you agreed to date even though you knew that you belonged to different faiths. I know you have not gone this direction simply because of your religious differences, and I would not want use or turn what appears to me to be a lack of values between a couple into a blame game.

Secondly, I believe you made the wrong choice by allowing yourself to be blackmailed the first time by a man who lacked respect for human decency. That is where you should have put your foot down.

He knew what he was after. That should have set the alarm bells ringing for any woman. He uses your lack of wisdom and respect for your own values to further blackmail you and hold you to ransom.

For this man to use your nude pictures to demand certain favours is immoral and inhumane. You should stand your ground and at the same time let him know the truth and the values you stand for.

As a Christian, you should take a stand for the truth; every choice comes with certain consequences. As you seek to deal with this issue, I suggest that you:

1. Seek God for forgiveness and strive to live right from now on.
2. Seek out your close friends who would be directly affected if this man carried out his threat and disclose what happened before you go and confront him.
3. Request a meeting with him in the company of a confidant. If he refuses, go alone, but meet in public place where you will not be compromised.
4. Let him know that although you were wrong to accept to his request to give him the pictures, you still believe it is wrong for him to use the pictures to force you to marry him if he truly loves you.
5. Tell him you are ready to face whatever consequences might follow than to agree to a marriage that you might live to regret.
6. Bear in mind that if he can use the photos to make demands now, what demands will he make in future to manipulate you if you don’t take a stand now?
7. Decide to live differently and forgive him instead of living in fear. Live a value-based life.

***

I cheated on my girl and don’t know how to even begin to put things right

Hello,
Thank you for the good work.
I have a girlfriend, but for the past five months I have been having an affair with another woman.

Recently, my girlfriend found out and it caused a huge rift between us. I made a mistake and I regret it. I ended the affair and have been trying to put things right with my girlfriend.

She is willing to listen to me and start afresh, but I don’t know where to begin. I feel guilty and loathe myself. Every night I cry because I messed up.

She is my girl and I love her very much. I have never cheated before; I did it once and got caught. Please advise.
DB

Hi,
Thank you for sharing your dilemma. The truth about life is that we all have weaknesses and are not immune from falling. As they say, no one is perfect.

However, when we fall, we should not glory in the sin or let that sin make us captive. Notably, in your case, neither of this applies. You realised your folly and are willing to put things right and live a life of integrity. Besides, your girlfriend is willing to hear you out.

I suggest that you first deal with your inner fears. If you don’t overcome them, they might hold you captive and make you feel defeated. Learn to forgive yourself for the mess you found yourself in. This failure was based on the wrong choices you made. You have to acknowledge this failure on your part and see it as something you are going to work at by changing the way you make any choices in future.

Second, you have to take advantage of the goodwill your girlfriend has extended to you by approaching her and being genuinely sorry about your failure to be faithful. This is something she has to hear from you – that you failed and you would like her forgiveness and that your desire is to reconnect with her and re-establish trust.

When you betray someone’s trust in you, you it cannot rebuild it immediately. It will take time, based on your actions and behaviour after you confess and reconnect. You must convince your girlfriend that you mean what you say by acting according to what you say. In a relationship, getting your partner’s forgiveness is not everything.

However, true repentance and forgiveness must be followed by actions that show the sincerity of the confession.

Finally, follow through your confession with a promise to live right by establishing new ground rules of behaviour. What is it you are going to do differently in order to rebuild your relationship? There is a need for you to take responsibility for the future.

***

I love my girl but she got herself pregnant by another man

Hi Kitoto,
I have dated a certain woman for four years now. I used to give her everything but a time came when I was not very financially stable, so I could not provide for her like I had been doing in the past.

There was a month I was very broke and she could not pay her house rent or buy food so she approached a male friend of hers who agreed to help her but asked for sex in return.

As a result, she got pregnant. I had no idea about this until she confessed to me what had happened and asked me whether she should abort. I told not to. I still love her but what should I do?

Hi,
I am really sorry for what happened. I also commend you for having a big heart towards this woman and the unborn child. Two key issues emerge from your sharing.

First, it is clear that you were generous and kind-hearted towards your girlfriend. Your love for her was practical as seen in your desire to support her financially. In addition, your value system is also commendable concerning moral issues like abortion, where one has to make a decision.

Second, every decision has consequences. What might have appeared as a simple gesture of returning a favour to a man who helped her with her rent ended up in a pregnancy. Of course, I see a lack of strong values on her part.

She made a choice that not only ended in a pregnancy, but also hurt you deeply. Your love for her is not enough to ensure a strong reconnection and trouble-free relationship that will avoid a repeat of such failures.

Love will remain foundational, but it must be followed by a certain set of new behaviour based on values the two of you will establish. Her choices have to be based on this new value system.

Besides, in the midst of this is a tough decision you will have to make concerning the child – if you decide to get married.

And if you do, ensure that you never use the past to pass judgement or to manipulate her. Love does not keep a record of wrongs. Accepting her as a wife means forgiving her, defending her, and loving her child as your own. All the best.

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]