A girl’s guide to conquering the office

The workplace is a shark tank full of pot-bellied, lustful and hungry wolves that salivate after young girls.

It has mean-looking and jealous older women — the generals- who envy your curvaceous body and malicious colleagues whose only wish is your downfall.

So how does a girl manoeuvre the jungle that is the workplace? The answers are simple.

Use your charm: Most likely your boss or supervisor will be a man who has a very low opinion of you. A man’s greatest weakness is his ego. Stroke it. Tell him what he wants to hear.

A little flirtation never kills. Compliment him without crossing the red line. Tell him he looks good, even though his bulging stomach makes him resemble a baby hippo.

“Have you been working out lately? You are in such great shape!’ is a compliment that works magic. Say something nice about his shoes, even if he has only one pair.

Tell him how that tie brings out his masculinity. If you spot him donning a new suit, say it makes his look sharp and younger even if it is two sizes bigger. Finally, men like it when you complement their abilities. Tell him you admire his work ethics and you would like to consider him as a mentor.

Choose your battles: Haters will hate you, no matter what you do. Once you are the male boss’s favourite, rumours will fly. One such a lie that flies fast is that you were spotted at the pub with your boss watching Netherlands crash Spain. Ignore those rumours. Even if they are true, don’t confirm or deny.

Female bosses are like eggs. Be careful how you treat them. Most female bosses are bitchy, why lie. They are too busy protecting their jobs and trying to get babies in their late 30s. Openly show her respect and that you are not interested in anything she has. Pretend you look up to her even if the sight of her is nauseating.

Be an opportunist: If you bump into the CEO in a lift? Pitch a great idea and he will never forget your pretty face. On a trip with the boss? Sit next to him or her throughout the journey and tell them all the great ideas you have in your mind.

Bumped into one of the company’s directors at the mall? Boldly walk up to them, introduce yourself and start a conversation. Unless of course he is accompanied with his wife.

Just found out that you and the human resource director go to the same church? Tell him on Monday and he will look forward to seeing you next Sunday, and he will know you by name and face. Such opportunities come only once. Seize them.

Dress to impress: There is no two way about this. You must always look great in the office, even when you are having a bad day. Nobody turns down a well-dressed girl.

When life gives you curves, flaunt them. Life is too short for dress-down Fridays. People hardly harass a lady in a skirt or a dress. Be endearing without being trashy.

Don’t be nice: In the office jungle; you are either a lion or an antelope. Be the lion. Fruits of the Holy Spirit like long-suffering and gentleness don’t apply. The office is a man-eat-man society, you must do whatever it takes to eat or survive.

It will require you to steel yourself for the tough journey and brace yourself for tough calls that will come in tough times. Sometimes you will have to be brutal, bitchy and heartless.

Especially to those who want to throw you into inflation. Other times you will be required to sacrifice or compromise. Don’t worry, it happens even to the best of us. After all, the end justifies the means.

YOUR FEEDBACK

As always, dear readers, you added colour to my weekend by emailing me with your empathy, reprimand and downright humour. Here they are:

“You deserved to be dumped! Secondly, all men will flee from you because of your pointless ego and your attitude. Your man left you

simply because he needs a woman, not a bartender who goes to parties to drink. Shame on you! Style up! You make Kenyan men sick.”
Winstone Mutali

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“Hey. After going through your articles, I have come to the conclusion your main agenda is just to whip up emotions. I think you are a loser, average looking country girl and going through a turbulent time. Get a life (man),”

Cool Eric

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“I am dismayed that you are giving this column space on a weekly basis. Please, I recommend that Njoki is given an assignment to look after goats and cows for a protracted period in an arid region. This will deprive her of her notions of entitlement to material wealth, physically remove her from anything more than essential material goods, give her a good dose of nature, and plenty of time to ruminate on the ills of such a City Girl mentality. Let us hope she begins to mature into a worthy woman as a result,”

Steve Smith

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“Hey babe! aki si unahate mahustlers tuuu saana! I think your article is so demeaning not only to women but also men! Acha chuki,” Kamge

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“Hi Njoki, Keep up the good work. I am in my early 40s and I wish I knew what you know now when I was your age. What you are saying is the truth and men and women need to stop pretending and face the facts.

I wish I never married my college-mate who ended up being a broke loser. I eventually left him but after 10 years of an emotionally draining marriage.

You keep up with the honest writing and don’t let the hate mail detract you. Your fans could be simply smiling knowing that you are on point. Looking forward to Saturdays,”

Caroline Mackenzie

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“If indeed it’s a true occurrence, me thinks you deserved better treatment than you actually got. Maybe and just maybe, meeting me would accord you an opportunity to get a completely different and probably better treatment. Just checking on you. I trust you are good. I hope this won’t form part of your next article,”

Joseph Ouma.

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“Dear Njoki, your article is moving indeed. But it looks like you are just to settle scores with men. Do you have inadequacies that makes you fight and claw men left, right and centre?”

Nyange Ngonda

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“I blame you for this break up, and I know though you didn’t cry physically, you were wailing inside. My point is, you were the one to blame. Tolerance is a virtue, and honesty is a good thing.

If I were in his shoes, I would do the same, because is so heart-wrecking to know the one you trust is playing tricks on you. It has occurred to me and it hurts. All the same, I love your column,”

Solomon Karanja