Ask yourself this question before you fat-shame somebody  

I recently bumped into an interesting post on my timeline. A beautiful girl, let us call her Mary, had posted a full-size picture of herself in a red knee-length dress. The colour of the dress really brought out her large brown eyes making them pop hypnotically.

It had been a while since I last saw her and I noticed that she had put on some weight. Her confident poise and radiant smile on the picture showed that she was carrying that extra weight comfortably. The dress was fitting and flaunted her voluptuous curves in a flattering manner.

Like every other netizen, I made a beeline for the comments as soon as I hit the like button.

Commenter 1: Girl, it’s about time you hit the gym. You are fat.

Commenter 2: Yeah love, those rolls need to be arrested before it is too late.

Mary: Guys, I’m comfortable with my current weight. Please don’t discuss such private matters on my wall.

Commenter 2: Oh no dear! Don’t be comfortable with being fat. Start running, I had also gained weight but then I began jogging...

ROLLED MY EYES

At this point I had rolled my eyes so many times, they begun twitching. I couldn’t believe that someone had the audacity to post such comments on another person’s wall. While I am not naïve about bullying and cruelty on social media, I was astounded that someone could drag such hurtful statements right up to someone’s doorstep, in this case their Facebook wall.

From my experience, body shaming is one of the nastiest forms of bullying one can encounter. Aside from it being intrusive, it is also an attack to the victim’s psychology that can risk their self-esteem and peace of mind. It is a form of abuse which compromises the victim’s self-worth and may in the long run lead to mental disorders such as depression or suicidal tendencies.

For instance, when Mary referred to her weight as “private matters” she sensed an invasion on her privacy. This is the same feeling you get when someone touches you inappropriately, goes through your phone or even breaks into your home. It is wrong and shouldn’t be condoned or worse still, justified.

I have heard people go on the defensive and saying things like; I did not insult her. I just said she is fat, it is a fact that she is fat. She even confessed to me that she had gained 7kilos over the holidays. She is ballooning by the day!

My main issue with such a defence is that it is neither constructive nor aimed at helping anybody. “She confessed her crime of gaining weight.” It reeks of judgement and is laced heavily with accusatory undertones.

Replacing the word fat with curvy, well-endowed, blessed, chubby, pump, etc. does not help either. Hiding the fries and pastries or gifting him or her with clothes that are two sizes smaller is definitely not helpful.

Lastly, ignoring the whole weight thing and walking on eggshells whenever the conversation wades towards health matters is one of the most useless thing you can do for someone who needs to lose weight. 

ONE WAY TO BE HELPFUL

There is only one way to be helpful and that is by asking yourself one simple yet critical question; do I genuinely care about their health and wellbeing? Of your answer is no then keep off. Hold your opinion and if the urge is unbearable publish an article somewhere. Most health conscious people read such articles all the time.

When you genuinely care about someone, their feelings become your first priority not the facts.  Leave facts for the doctors and nutritionists whom we listen to objectively without investing any emotions.

For instance, the first commenter would have slid into the inbox and after exchanging some pleasantries find out how Mary feels about her new size all the while listening to the tone of May’s response; is she confident? Defensive? Stressed?  All this calls for a great deal of emotional intelligence.

Finally, it is very important to establish if someone wants to lose weight. Before my breakthrough in 2015, I had tried losing the weight at least five times. Sometimes I would lose weight, fall of the wagon and get comfortable such that I didn’t want to lose weight anymore.

 Fortunately for me, the people in my life didn’t act like I was a ticking bomb by placing deadlines by which I should have lost the weight. They knew I would be ready when I was. Recently when I embarked on a journey to shed off 10kg, no one asked me to do that.  Apart from the occasional insensitive people throwing shade with, “make sure you don’t start getting fat again,” jibe, no one asked me to take my workout routine a notch higher.

This goes out to anyone who has been a victim of intrusive and downright rude comments about their weight. Forget what they said, delete the memes they sent. How do you feel about your weight? Do you wish to lose that extra weight?

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Fit&Fab is a blog series by Marion Maina who lost 30kg during her weight loss journey that started two years ago and is now in pursuit of a healthy lifestyle. Do you have feedback on this story? E-mail: [email protected]