LOVE BY VALENTINE’S: Harsh reality of the stigma of online dating

As for his disappointment in my trying out online dating, why did he think that mattered? PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • As I made my way to my desk, I thought about what he had said. “Low hanging fruit,” the words echoed in my head.
  • What was that even supposed to mean?
  • Was it meant to shame me, make me delete my account? And to what end?
  • Got feedback and tips on how she can do this? E-mail: [email protected]

 

I’ve learnt one great lesson this week about the stigma and double standards surrounding online dating.

One of my colleagues bumped into my profile on Tinder and the news spread like bushfire—Stacy is on Tinder!

I did not understand why my dating life was ruffling so many feathers until another “concerned” colleague pulled me aside, his face masked with horror:

“I have just heard a scandalous rumour about you. Please don’t faint. Word has it that…“

“…I am on Tinder?” I completed his statement as I watched his eyes widen in shock. 

‘DECENT WOMEN’

“Wait a minute—you are?! Stacy, c’mon. Decent women don’t go hunting for men online. You should know better. You are not some low hanging fruit!” he blurted out exasperatedly.

It was my turn to be shocked.

“What do you mean? I am a single woman, free to mingle with suitors from wherever. And mark you, it is a dating site not an escort service,” I shot back.

“Well, I am quite disappointed. You did no strike me as the type,” he replied quietly. And with that, he turned away. He has hardly spoken to me since then.

DISTRACTION

Folks, the entire exchange left me speechless. I didn’t anticipate online dating stigma as something I would have to battle with in my pursuit of love.

As I made my way to my desk, I thought about what he had said. “Low hanging fruit,” the words echoed in my head.

What was that even supposed to mean?

Was it meant to shame me, make me delete my account? And to what end? What was so wrong about trying to meet guys online? No one has a problem with e-learning, e-commerce, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn?

As for his disappointment, why did he think that mattered? I mean, I was not actively trying to be his second wife neither did I need a recommendation letter from him for my future husband.

Suddenly, I recognised the incident for what it truly was—a distraction.

A distraction based on heresies, stereotypes, and a healthy dose of patriarchal entitlement to derail me from going after my true love. I remain resolute, unbowed.

TINDER LINGO

To ensure we are on the same page, let me get you acquainted with Tinder lingo first. A ‘like’ means you have shown interest in a person and is usually based on their profile.

A ‘match’ means that the person you like liked you back and most often than not, this leads to the two of you chatting.

The last thing you need to know is the ‘unmatch’ button which sadly means that the person you liked turned out not to be all that.

It is a difficult button to press because once you hit it, your chats disappear and they can no longer contact you.

Folks, I hit seven ‘unmatches’ this past week.

Before you frown at my intolerance and impatience, remember the February 14 deadline? I cannot afford to play games; if the chemistry is not there then it isn’t!

 In the past, I settled for relationships that did not meet my needs because I feared I might not meet other people. I kept holding on to doomed relationships until they died a natural death.

The experience on Tinder is not like that at all. Out of my 35 matches, I unmatched seven and by the next day I had gotten 10 new matches.

Clearly, there is no shortage in supply.

UNMATCHED

I got rid of the one who kept insisting to have my number even though we hardly spoke beyond pleasantries.

I was not about to let him bore me on Tinder and trail his boredom to my WhatsApp.

Next on the ‘unmatch’ list was the prophet of doom who kept warning me of the savages that were waiting to devour me online.

I think he is my colleague’s distant relative because he kept asking what a ‘nice girl like me was doing on a dating site.’

Two had to go because their chatting style felt like a police interrogation with me being a key suspect to some heinous crime. The last three refused to spell correctly and I couldn’t grasp a thing they said. Hae pls! No.

EXCITING NEWS

Folks, I have some exciting news: I am chatting with three guys who I like to think of as my top three picks. So far, at least.

One initiated the chat, and after the usual pleasantries, asked me what I was looking for on Tinder because he was looking for a mate, confidant, lover and so forth.

My heart skipped a beat! A man who wanted to know what I wanted? A man who put his needs out there? After that he manoeuvred the conversation skilfully before asking me out for coffee.

I was game. You will definitely hear some more about how that went.

The second one came dripping with compliments that felt very sincere.  A woman knows when words are genuine as opposed to plain gibberish.

After I acknowledged his kind words, he went ahead to tell me about himself briefly then requested that we chat some more and get to know each other.

What pulled my heartstrings about this guy? He said: “I can’t wait to get to know you and see how this goes. I feel some happy days ahead of us.” He spoke about the future and I was sold!

As for the third one, we texted the entire week. He is deliberately building some common ground, he makes me laugh so hard and the other day, my food almost burned on the cooker as we texted.

Whenever I see a notification from him, my heart thuds.

I am pacing myself because we have more days ahead and I do not wish to rush anything. He hasn’t asked me out yet but if we are putting alerts on any of my dates, he is so far, top of that list!

Meanwhile, my profile remains very much active because my true love is still out there.

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LOVE BY VALENTINE’S is a blog series that will run until Valentine's Day. Our writer dreams of finding love by that day and at worst, a memorable date. Follow her adventure every week as she seeks to find love by Valentine's. Got feedback and tips on how she can do this? E-mail: [email protected]